Sunday, April 5, 2009


You still here?

I’ve just had the very horrible realization that I’m just not supposed to be here.

I’ve known for a while now. 25, 26 tops, or so I thought. But no. Here I keep hanging on to something that should have died so long ago. I think that my whole pattern of under achievement is closely tied to my thought that I should be accomplishing something big. Know I’m here for something big. I’m not made for the stupid shit like this. I’m going to change something, but I’m not sure what and I’m not sure how.

What I can assure you is that the reason I haven’t really tried yet is I don’t want to go just yet. I’m also deeply convinced that I’m going to be making something big, and then I’m gonna be gone. A big part of me wants to stay around for a while. A good long while. So I’ve been just slogging away at the stupidest stuff. Didn’t live to her full potential they said. Underachiever they said. Well, they’d be right. I was once asked if I was afraid of success or afraid of failure. A bit of both, so I thought. But through the fog of tonite, I’m pretty convinced it’s a fear of success…. Because if it’s success then bust… well… then what?

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